Just taking a little break....

After the news that the IVF failed last week, the best thing I could do is to take a little break. I went to the house at the lake to spend time with my daughter. It was a difficult start to the week, but I am slowly feeling better:) I think this is because I've realized a couple of things....One- I'm not going to give up. Just because the doctor said it wouldn't work for me, doesn't mean I'm not going to try....and Two-this is the best time to appreciate what I already have and just enjoy every minute of every day with my beautiful daughter! (Even if she's going into her "Terrible Two's" and has been a pistol all week!) lol. In the end, everything has been worth it.

I still have the bad bruises on my stomach from the Lovenox. Purple, Black, Blue and Green! I look like I got mildly beat up on my tummy. Who know's how long that will take to go away?

I have my next appointment for another opinion on March 6th. I've been thinking about it a lot....maybe he'll just tell me the same thing? The doctor I went to made me feel that there were not any other options. How will I feel if I hear this news again? *Sigh* I just don't know...it will be frustrating I suppose. I know that most people think that since I have a child I shouldn't be worried about Infertility, or Sub-Fertility....but when you know how great it is and this is your full time job and you're told you may not have more of your own, it's very hard. I know many people don't even have one of their own and my hearts go out to those folks. I do honestly feel blessed for what I do have. Sometimes I ask myself if I'm being selfish for wanting another child? I even asked my husband that question the other day. His response to me was that it is OK to want something. He said that I shouldn't be so hard on myself because it is OK to want another child. It's just not up to us if it happens or not, so I still just have to focus on 1 day at a time. 

I'll keep things posted as we move along in a couple of weeks! And then it looks like my husband and I might be able to take a much needed vacation, just to get away and enjoy each other! :)

IVF Failed :(

I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my story...it may only be a few of you, but maybe more and I hope that someone has felt some sense of comfort in reading it, allowing them to know that they're not alone.

Unfortunately I won't be able to tell you how the progesterone shots effect my diabetes because we found out today that our second egg didn't fertilize. The doctor called me himself this morning...as soon as I answered and heard his voice instead of a nurse on the other end, I knew it wasn't good news. He said that our first egg, though mature, just didn't overall look like a good egg. Our second egg was intermediate on the day of retrieval and didn't mature until the next day. Eggs only have a 70% chance of being fertilized and it didn't happen. :(

So what are the next steps? Well the doctor has told me that since I didn't respond well to the high dose of IVF medications, that IVF probably isn't a good thing for me to try again. He says that chances of natural pregnancy are high after taking all of these medications, so to "Get On It!" over the next 2-4 months:) Ok, those were technically my words:) hehe. From that point, we could try IVF again, but the chances are so slim, that we may want to consider donor eggs. I can honestly say that I am not ready for that option.

I feel so blessed to have 1 child, that if that is all God gives me, then I will be happy. It's not that I can say I will be happy and satisfied right off the bat, but I know it will come with time.....

I have also decided that though the doctor may say I'm done, I'm NOT. I've already scheduled a second opinion. For all I know the doctor will say the  same thing as the last doctor I went to, but at least I'm putting myself out there to try. If he says no too, then I will be able to figure out the next steps. The appointment isn't until March 6...which is 3 weeks away...but I promise to keep things posted as we move along in our Fertility Journey. Please feel free to comment or email me with any thoughts, questions, or just feelings. It is a Journey...that I will never take for granted, but take one day at a time:)

Retrieval..........

We had our retrieval yesterday. I haven't posted yet because I did not feel good afterwards...well actually, the relaxing medication they gave me felt very um...."Relaxing":) The only issue I had with the retrieval was a very sore throat afterwards. This is because of the oxygen being forced through my nose and into my throat while being knocked out. I am also having some minor cramping today, but didn't feel any issues yesterday.

They had me under a heated blanket before and after they put me out for the retrieval. I had my Continuous Glucose Monitor (CGM) on to check my sugars before and after. Before I kept my sugars a little elevated (140) just so I wouldn't get low during the procedure. It was perfect. Then after I gave myself a shot to bring myself down slightly. About an hour after the procedure I got an ERROR 1 notification on my CGM. After looking this up it means that my CGM is not calibrating and reading my sugars. They also gave me Tylenol for any potential cramping that I might have.  This is also something I found out can effect the CGM Sensor reading. It reacts with the protein that is on the sensor in some way shape or form, I'm not exactly sure how......I waited an hour like suggested from the Dexcom Website and put in a new sugar to calibrate, but after a couple of hours realized that it just wasn't reading correctly. It wasn't following the trends in my sugars, so I had to put in a new sensor. This one worked much better! Was it the heat or the medication that effected the sensor? I'm not sure, but something did!

So from the 3 follicles they only retrieved 2 eggs...and you know what, I was actually VERY excited about this. I was thinking there might not be anything so 2 was AWESOME!!! But then I got a phone call this morning that said one of them didn't make it:( They did ICSI on it yesterday because it was mature, but it didn't fertilize....:( The second egg didn't mature until this morning so they were doing ICSI on it today. I wont' know until tomorrow what happens with this little guy....

I can't say that I didn't have a minor breakdown today....it's hard, you only have 2 so you're thinking both will be awesome quality, right? Maybe I kind of feel like a failure? Why am I not producing more eggs? Why wasn't it good? But then a realization, that it is what it is...and there is nothing I can do to control it. For now I'm still taking my Lovenox and we'll wait to see what happens tomorrow.

Final Decision- Move Forward with IVF

After careful consideration we have decided to move forward with IVF and not an IUI. We figured that we've come this far, right? If the doctor doesn't think that I will respond any better to future IVF meds, why not go for it? If I have to do it again and get less follicle growth, I'll probably regret not going for it when they said I had 3 decent ones! So now, we just pray that there are eggs in each of the 3 follicles and that they are mature. Then that they fertilize and grow! And of course from there that it implants and that we have a baby:) (but I'm pretty sure that was a good assumption of what we want) lol

I go in tomorrow morning for the retrieval. I took a shot of HCG last night. I have seen some mild insulin resistance, but nothing major. I feel like my insulin resistance is more coming from a lack of exercise. I haven't been to the gym since the end of last week. I've been keeping my CGM on and just monitoring my sugars really closely. I have also started taking Lovenox (a blood thinner) They started me on this Saturday night. I've had some bruising from it, but once again no major issues with blood sugar control.

Tonight was the first night I haven't had to give myself a shot in a couple of weeks! So nice! But more will start again tomorrow night as long as things go well. They just had me take a Pepcid to reduce the acid in my stomach today and tomorrow am, as well as Reglan. I'm not sure what the Reglan does. I will ask again tomorrow.

I go in at 8am in the morning and the procedure is at 9am. 30min-1hr with -2hrs of recovery time. Please keep your positive thoughts with us that all goes smoothly!

IVF or IUI?? Even Lower Follicle Count

Let me start off by saying that that Ganirelix is driving me nuts! lol...Ever since I have started taking it I go through a period of insulin resistance during the day. It's usually in the afternoon, after lunch. Where it would normally take me 3-4 units to get my sugar down, I am taking about 10+! This has just been while I have been on the Ganirelix. I mentioned this to the doctor today and he was surprised to hear this because the Ganirelix is just a LH prohibitor.(My LH won't rise so I won't ovulate early)

At my follow up appointment today we found out that I only have 3 follicles that have grown....I really wish it were more. Because of this the doctor has once again brought up the idea of doing an IUI instead. I have been pregnant before which the doctor says that I have in my favor. If I hadn't ever been pregnant before, he would say 100% do the IVF. But because I have, he is thinking that we might be better off doing an IUI (Artificial Insemination), but he is leaving it up to us. The biggest advantage of doing an IUI would be that we would get up to 50% or more of our money back...and if it didn't work, we could put that towards trying again starting in April. But there is still a chance that the follicles that I have produced have at least ONE viable egg in it! And after that there are more variables against us....Is the egg mature? Will the egg fertilize? Will it grow? So it's a big decision....what do we decide to do? We've come this far, do we just go all the way?! I have until tomorrow to decide......

Ganirelix, Difficult Blood Sugars and Cancel the IVF??

I had an appointment yesterday to check my follicle count again. I'm still low at only 4. They were measuring at 10mm + though so that is good. To prevent ovulation from occurring, they started me on the Ganirelix again yesterday which to me = Blood Sugar Insanity!! I feel that I can finally conclude that the Ganirelix makes me quite a bit insulin resistant. I am supposed to be on it 1-2 more days after today and I'm mildly dreading it. It is taking much more insulin to come down from a high sugar. I even exercised today and I find myself having difficulties controlling my numbers.

Back to the low follicle count. I have another check up tomorrow. From this point we decide if moving to the next step of Egg Retrieval is the right thing to do, or do we just do an IUI? The doctor thinks as long as the follicles are still growing well tomorrow that we should plan for the retrieval. He thinks this is best because since I'm already on a high dose of medications, that I probably wouldn't respond better to stimulation meds again in the future (if that's what ends up having to happen) :( I have to say it is disheartening to realize that I don't have a strong egg reserve left. I am 33 years old, and never thought this would be something that I would have to deal with. So if we decided to continue with the IVF, there is a chance that any eggs they get may not fertilize and grow....but It Only Takes One....so there is Still a chance that this will work!!! I'm just doing my best to stay positive (even though the past couple of days have been really hard once I found out about the low follicle count). I'm keeping a smile on my face and see what happens after the appointment tomorrow!:)

Low Follicle Count:(

Today is day 6 of my injectable medications. I had an Ultra Sound with the doctor this morning and have to say that I was a little disheartened by what I was told. There were only 3 follicles on my left ovary and 1 follicle on my right! I went in thinking that I'm 33 years old, I'll have like 12! Um..no. Even the doctor agreed that this is a little disappointing. So then I asked him, "Well that means there are at least 4 eggs, right?" And his response was No. There are usually about 70% of the follicles that actually contain an egg. Even more disheartening! What if we get only a few and they don't grow? What if they don't grow at all and I don't end up even having a retrieval after all that we have started? There are so many "What If's?"...but the reality of it is that I just need 1! But having more would make one feel that the odds of it working were more in their favor...

Why am I not reacting well to the medications??....the doctor says that this is most likely because of my higher FSH and my past Endometriosis. I'll go back in two days for another ultra sound....Also he is not having me start the Lovenox yet, but making me wait another 2 days. As a result, he says I can exercise another couple of days!! Sweet! Blood sugars are staying in good control thus far!:) My CGM has been a great help in this:) I'll have to wait and see what happens when the medications are switched on me later this week!

Follistim, Menopur and Spotting!?!?

I am on day 5 now of the injectable medications and was really surprised this morning to find that I was spotting. Why didn't anyone tell me that this might be a side effect?! Of course though my instant reaction was that there was something wrong...but after researching online and the nurses finally calling me back, it seems that this just may be for a small percentage of folks a side effect. There was a mild dull pressure in my uterine area too so I just assumed that I might be getting my period (which would have meant to me that things weren't happening correctly since I'm only technically on Day 10 of my cycle.) I have my first follow up appointment with the Fertility doctor tomorrow so we'll see how he says things are going. Until then, I don't know if the spotting is something that is really ok or not.

I got my last workout in today too. I think if for nothing but mental sanity, it was good for me to do so. Before I went though I made sure that the nurse gave me the OK because I was spotting. She said it wasn't an issue.

The next step is just to wait and see the doctor tomorrow to see how things are going and if hopefully the medicine is doing what it's supposed to do!

Connect the dots:)

So I'm only 3 days into the next round of medications and I already feel like a pin cushion! lol. You can look at my stomach and connect all of the little red dots. And there are not just dots from the shots, but from my insulin pump locations too. The CGM doesn't tend to usually make any marks.

I'm noticing thus far that I am starting to have more skin sensitivity to the shots. It's a little more sensitive in the areas that I am injecting and I feel a bit more of a burning sensation each time the medicine is administered. I am hoping this will be the extent of the mild discomfort that I feel. Yesterday one of the shots turned into an instant blue bruise! The other areas that hasn't happened, but just the discomfort of the initial prick of the needle and the medicine being injected.

As for the effect on my blood sugars, I still haven't seen any real issues. The only issue that I had yesterday was that I put in a new insulin pump inset and it ended up not working so I had to change it and it took a while for my sugar to come down. Does that ever happen to you? In certain locations of my body when I put in an inset it sometimes doesn't work. And of course you can't find out if it works each time until you either 1) have waited for a few hours and your sugars naturally rise on their own or 2) you eat something and the insulin that you give just doesn't cover it.

I'll just have to wait to see how things continue to go. My next appointment is in 3 days. My last day to exercise is in 2 days! I've been wondering if it really is good for me to still be doing it, but anything that will help my sugars right now I'll do!:)

Fertility Medications Have Started!

So today is my first day of taking my injectable medications! Even though I'm experienced in giving myself shots and measuring my insulin, I was totally freaked out that I'm giving myself the medications correctly! Did I give the right amount? Did I get all of it out of the bottle? Is there any left in the needle before I change it and put on the other needle? I think it went ok though.:)

I finished my cycle yesterday and saw the doctor for an ultra sound and some blood work.  First I should mention that my cycle was much heavier than normal. I asked the doctor about this and he told me that it was a result of the Estrace, not the Ganirelix. They then checked in the U/S to make sure that my follicles were "resting" and the blood work was to check my progesterone and estradiol levels, which all came back normal. Yay!:) He also told me I can still work out until next Tuesday! I'm very excited!:) It just helps my blood sugar control so much, and with all the medication I'm starting, I'll take all the help I can get!:) There are restrictions though....I can only do the Elliptical machine and do weights with my arms. No squats and No abdominal workouts.

Now this morning I started Dexamethasone (Steroid) 0.5mg, Cipro (Antibiotic) Follistim 225 units and Menopur. With the Follistim and Menopur there was no irritation at the injection site. This is only my first round, so I can honestly say that I haven't seen any real issues with my sugars yet and I feel ok. I wanted to blame them for my high blood sugar around lunch...but reality of that, it was probably all the pretzels I ate after my low blood sugar....oops! I did go to the gym today though so that did help bring down my sugars. We'll see how it goes as more medication gets circulating throughout my body! I'll be doing injections every 12 hours at least for the next 10 days or so. So we'll see how it all goes! I also did my acupuncture today as well, which is helpful in so many ways...including relaxing! My goal over the next weeks is just to chill out as much as possible and make sure my sugars are in good control! I'll keep you posted on what happens as I get more into the cycle!